How do I build connections?

I've been told it's important to be involved in school activities. I'm the new kid in the group. How do I build connections when I don’t know anyone important?

You may find this hard to believe, but The Dad was not always a mover and shaker, and was once (or twice) accused by The Mom of being a wallflower at an important business event. The Dad understands that it's hard to walk into a strange situation and mingle.

The Dad, if he were there with you, would take a moment to remind you in detail that you yourself are (already) important. And so is everyone else in the room. Remembering that everyone is important allows you to reframe the question and takes some pressure off of the desire to find the one person who is the magic ticket to success in the group. Instead of thinking about who is "important," reframe your mindset to ask "who's in leadership? who seems to know what's going on? who seems to be well-liked and respected here?" Chances are, there will be a number of people who fit the bill, so you have a number of opportunities to make a connection. Here's what The Dad does when he's new to an environment, whether structured or less formal:

1. Get perspective. Everyone was once new to this organization! Everyone has had to go through the same process, more or less comfortably, of figuring out how they fit in.

Much earlier in his career, The Dad attended a Building Industry Association (BIA) meeting for purchasing agents, subcontractors, and suppliers. It was held in a conference center in downtown San Bernardino, quite a ways away from home. There was a carpeted room divider in the space, and during the reception (or cocktail hour, or meet-and-greet) portion, The Dad stood with his back against that carpeted wall, almost as if he was velcroed there. The Dad remembers looking out at the crowd and seeing a guy who appeared to be completely comfortable, moving from group to group, getting a good reaction from people. And The Dad remembers consciously wondering how long it would take to feel as comfortable as that guy (his name was Verne Hand) looked...

2. Observe. Once you've found a place where you'd like to fit in, look at the people already there. There will be leaders (official and otherwise), gadflies (charismatic people who are just there to socialize), wannabe leaders, and lots of other types of people. Observe where the activity in the group is and who's closest to it. If looking at a group this way seems cold, intimidating, or weird to you, it shouldn't be, because you've already done this with your own group of friends. When you began going to school, you went through a process of assessing and deciding who you wanted to hang out with, and depending on who also wanted to hang out with you, you found your group. But when you enter a new group, you have an opportunity to be selective, and choose your friends and associates with purpose. Remember that the first person to approach you may not be the one who will be the best friend or the best mentor for you, and it's OK to decide which relationships you want to invest more time in. If you decide that you don't want to be a part of this organization, either because of what the organization stands for or the people in it, cut your losses and look for a new group!

Observation is key! At the conference, back to the wall, The Dad watched that very socially comfortable man, Verne, get up on the stage, where it turned out he was the emcee for the night and also the chairman of the event. The Dad didn't immediately set out to get to know Verne, but he kept Verne's example in his mind. Verne had to have started out new at some point too!

3. Add value. This is the cornerstone of a great little book by Jeffrey Gitomer, The Little Black Book of Connections. The Dad loves this book so much that he buys them a handful at a time so that he can give them out to friends and especially to the younger adults that he works with as part of the Workforce Investment Board, which helps match people with job opportunities. The Dad has learned that in almost every organization, whether business, nonprofit, or government, the guts of what’s going on is almost always in finance. So when The Dad wanted to join a new gun club, he started by shooting trap and just getting a feel for the group, but he also went to finance meetings, began getting to know individual people after the meetings, and volunteered to help with the count of money once a month. The Dad got to know the people as a result, and provided value for the other members through service (and it's much less pressurized than at a meet-and-greet). You will find that there's generally a market for talents like organization, email communications, web design, and public speaking... but a willingness to take direction and do less desirable or less prominent jobs can also get you a good foothold as you carve out your own space in the group and figure out what's needed.

As The Dad began honing his networking skills, The Dad realized that one of the things that helped The Dad to get to know people was to introduce other members or participants to each other as soon as The Dad was comfortable enough to know a few names himself. So, The Dad began to actively scan the walls for people who were velcroed (because he knew how that felt!). You can provide value to the velcroed people--and to the organization-- by going up to those people and providing introductions or connections to other people in the group, which helps those people grow into the organization more easily.

4. Be sincere. This is related to providing value. Less than a year after The Dad started counting money for the gun club, there was a crisis and because The Dad had gained experience and had been volunteering for a while, he was asked to step in as the Treasurer for the rest of the term. At the end of the fill-in period, The Dad ran for election. Because The Dad had observed the club and added value, he is currently beginning his fifth year as Treasurer. The point is that in light of a common effort or activity, people were able to get to know The Dad, and The Dad got a chance to prove his consistency, trustworthiness, and usefulness to the group. If you do add value and you are sincere, there is little reason to believe you won't be warmly adopted by the organization. On the other hand, if you're not sincere, if you're joining the organization or group for the wrong reasons, then you stink and people will smell it. It's easy to see who's there out of obligation, or who is there to serve their own needs. Those kinds of people, though they may incidentally add value to the organization, don't have the consistency of character that matters in the long run. Sincerity counts.

If you take time to get to know the organization, you observe the people, you add value, and you are sincere, and if you are consistent in your attendance and interest, you will get to know people gradually. When you know other people by name, those people are more likely to be sympathetic to you, to root for you, and maybe even to do business with you or help you with a favor down the road. There's nothing wrong with making use of your connections, but that shouldn't be foremost in your mind as you plan your involvement in the organization.

It's not easy to go into a new situation and to make wise choices, so remember that your time and energy are limited. There are moments when The Dad looks back on what he spent his time on and wonders what he was thinking! The days of your life are numbered, your energy is finite. Your value to other people (but not to The Dad, who is already utterly convinced of your importance) is in part dictated by how you choose to use your resources: your time, your talents, and your treasures. There's no shortage of organizations to get involved in or people to meet, so don't hang your hat on any one as the make-or-break to success. It's true that Verne Hand, a single person, provided The Dad a model to emulate in social networking, but the friendship with Verne that developed subsequently was an added bonus, and even if Verne and The Dad hadn't connected, The Dad still could have benefitted just from watching him. The example Verne set, above and beyond his outgoing confidence in a group, was in being willing to provide value.

Returning to The Dad's early struggles in the BIA, it took ten or fifteen years to become an elder of the tribe, to have held multiple positions of leadership and to know most of the people in the organization. (It will take far less time depending on the size of the group— you can know all the names and faces in a club of five people within the first week.) The Dad doesn’t know how he looked to other people but eventually The Dad felt as comfortable as he had imagined Verne feeling. The Dad now enjoys getting to help others feel the same! So, go join the group, get perspective, observe, add value, and be sincere, and sooner rather than later, you will find yourself comfortably in the middle of things, or even on stage.

And remember, even if you never get a foothold in that much-desired organization or other people don't always see the value in what you're offering, even if you never click with a cool friend like Verne Hand and get a nifty life lesson out of it, even if the group withholds their approval or their companionship... even if all of those things happen and more, they can't eat you!

Not sure The Dad got it right this time? Have something to add? Comment below to let The Dad know!