The Wall (A mental image of Dad support in times of trouble)

I have a big situation that I don't want to deal with (I don't want to get into exactly what it is), and I could use some Dad support. But my Dad is not around, really. What kind of support should a Dad give?

The Dad recently saw a sign that said, “When you’re a kid, you don’t realize you’re also watching your parents grow up.” Dads (and Moms) are figuring some of this stuff out too as they go along. When The Dad first was learning to parent The Daughters as a new father, his role as their protector was crystal clear in his mind. Nothing could be allowed to harm them, nothing would be allowed make them feel pain, not even disappointment or hurt feelings. Nothing! The Dad distinctly remembers a fear of accidentally breaking off a tiny baby finger in the process of putting on a onesie. Life was much easier, because if The Dad wanted to protect The Daughters, he could simply command them to go to their rooms and then they would be safe, with The Dad standing guard! But at some point, dads have to—and should—relinquish some control, and the world is full of potential fears that parents have for their kids.

With the wisdom of time, and with The Daughters becoming less helpless (with no fingers lost in the process), The Dad came to believe the mission of parents is to encourage their children to grow into the absolute best people they can be. As The Dad looks back, yes, protection is important, but The Dad has come to believe a wise parent watches each situation and needs to determine if risks are appropriate for the child’s development. We learn through trial and error. In the process we also learn to deal with failure and disappointment, to develop resilience.

By example, a child cannot be allowed to learn to cross a busy street through trial & error—that’s a time that a Dad must intervene! Riding a bicycle or learning to skate also has risks but these risks are a proportional price of learning the skill.

Some parents are unwilling to deal with calculated risks, so they “helicopter” their kids, mistakenly keeping their children away from all potential trouble. (If this is your situation, see My Mom Won’t Stop Hovering!) It’s a fool’s errand to completely isolate your kid from any physical or emotional distress. Other parents don’t want to feel their kids’ disappointment, so they pull away in advance and don’t seem very available. (The Dad will talk more about that in a later post, because that can be very painful to a kid!) The Dad thinks (hopes!) he has worked out a reasonable midpoint between these two views so that he is available for support and comfort but not to the point where his kids (and now grandkids) don’t get to experience life for themselves.

On occasion where The Dad’s physical presence or intervention would be inappropriate, The Dad has encouraged his family to go, be confident, and face head-on whatever seems to be troubling them, but at the same time to never forget that standing behind them, just off their shoulder, I am standing with my arms folded across my chest, staring down what they are facing as though I had no fear of it (whether or not I do! Remember, even grandfathers are still growing up with their grandkids, and no one is too old to outgrow fear or discomfort.)

Ideally, the thought of your Dad and the protection and support he is offering in spirit should be a shield you can take into battle. For those who have not been lucky enough to experience a Dad who was protective and supportive, The Dad offers himself as a start. You can make this image look like your own dad, or like a favorite celebrity, or someone you admire, but the point is to take this person’s image into battle with the thought that someone is cheering you on, and will still be your biggest fan, no matter what happens.

As The Dad has been writing this, he has realized that ultimately the second-best formulation of The Wall, barring a real-life Dad who will execute it, is to find an excellent mentor who can serve the same purpose of providing correction, perspective, and encouragement, someone who will pick you up when you fall down and lovingly point you in the right direction going forward.

It is best if it is someone with wisdom and time, so look for an old guy… The Dad will write a post about finding just such a mentor soon. And The Dad will also write about how to approach your dad to ask for more support.

In the meantime, looking back, there was a specific instance that led The Dad to formulate The Wall. Here is The Daughter’s story about that time, so that you can see The Wall in action, and maybe borrow The Dad as needed:

The summer before my senior year of high school, I got tapped for a leadership position as President of an on-campus club for the coming school year. I accepted it eagerly, but over the summer a bunch of kids in the club decided to drink (underage) and got alcohol poisoning at a club event. I was really surprised, but it led me to discover some behaviors within the club that I couldn’t support. I talked it over with The Dad (and The Mom). I already knew what I thought I should do, but sometimes we just want to make sure someone we trust agrees with us, and walk through how to handle fallout from our decisions. We both agreed that if the kids didn’t respect the club’s and school’s rules, that I would be unwise to take responsibility for leading that club. That meant that I had to call the advisor and tell her that I couldn’t be President. I knew she would understand, but I felt terrible letting her down. But I also knew it would be worse to accept the job and then find myself without the authority to do it. And I knew that I had to do it sooner rather than later so that the advisor could find a new President. I told my dad that I was scared. What if she was mad at me? What if she said I had to do it, and I had promised? What if…

Well, the Monsters Inc. movie had just come out, and if you know who James P. Sullivan (Sulley, the big blue and purple monster) is, you’ll have a good impression of what my Dad did. He straightened himself up to be as tall and broad as he could, like Sully, without the roaring or snarling, and he told me that as I talked to her, to imagine that he was standing right behind me like a wall, a solid support, arms crossed, head nodding in agreement. It was very helpful to imagine! He offered (jokingly) to go with me in person for the discussion, but of course he knew that I had to stand on my own feet. He told me that supporting and protecting me included letting me work out my own problems, and not shielding me from negative outcomes— it meant that he would be there to walk beside me as I figured things out and to help me think through how to get the best outcome for everyone involved.

Ultimately, I had to have the conversation on my own, of course. But knowing he was there, right behind me, in spirit, and that I had his approval, worked wonders, and I was able to have that needed conversation with my advisor. Since then, I have called upon the Dad Wall a number of times, in a number of situations— but I generally also make sure that he would approve of my cause before I “use” him. If you have a Dad who is like this, I encourage you to think of him as a wall standing behind you when you have a hard conversation ahead of you, or a tough task— and if you don’t have a Dad like that, borrow The Dad, and make him look however you’d like in your mind’s eye, so long as he looks formidable and also kind— The Dad’s presence is never menacing, but it is a gentle, unshakeable confidence and an assurance that someone believes in you, is on your side, and will be ready to dust you off when things don’t go well and celebrate with you when they do!